I’ll Get You Next Time, Bitchface!

So my friend Mary and I have come up with a new comic book superhero. Too bad neither of us can draw.

The basic setup: Martha has been a superhero all her life. Flying across the city, stopping bad guys, and all the guts and glory that come with it. Then, tragedy strikes. A horrible threading incident has made her eyebrows permanently drawn together.

She now has a permanent bitchface.

Once the city’s beloved hero, she now is regarded as a likely villain. She saves a school bus of children; the kids cry upon seeing her. She stops a bank robbery; the manager insists it was an alarm test. No matter what she does, her bushy downward brows and frown lines have all marked her as, well, kind of a bitch.

Martha Bitchface also has an archnemesis: Ryan Gosling. Yes, that Ryan Gosling. A man so charming, so affable, so goddamn adorable that no one believes he is a super villain. Whenever he’s caught by Bitchface, it’s always forgiven by the populace. Rerouting funds to the Caymans through the Christian Children’s Fund? It’s for the children! Making all the Starbucks Wifi networks go down during the morning rush? He’s trying to get people to really connect.

Martha does her best to keep up her mission for good while trying to stop Ryan Gosling (I mean, the man has goddamn dimples) and his quest for world domination. She’s just like us, after all, beneath that bitchy face.

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